Letters from my friend

I was sidetracked all afternoon and just got around to checking my mail (the kind the post office still delivers). I was pleased to find a stack of envelopes bearing the return address John McCain. Two were addressed to me (one with my full name, one with my middle initial), and two to Mrs. bee (also full name, middle initial). Inside each envelope was a four page letter from my close personal friend, Speedo McCain. Each letter explained how the great Democratic menace will RAISE my taxes, recklessly PULL the troops out of Iraq, handing our enemies a victory THEY NEITHER WON NOR DESERVE, and INCREASE government spending. The Obama Democrats are rallying behind a "tired, failed agenda of creeping socialism, ever-rising taxes, and a defense policy of retreat-and-defeat."

Speedo, a proud foot soldier in the Reagan Revolution some years ago, knows his conservative agenda will protect me from being socialized, taxed and defeated. All he needs to protect me is a contribution of one thousand dollars (but he'll take 500, or 250, or 100, or 50, or whatever-you-can-spare dollars).

I'm thinking about sending Speedo a letter of my own. It'll say something like this:

Dear Ace, my friend... as much as I'd enjoy donating generously to your campaign to protect me from the deep, DARK threat of the Obama Democrats, I just don't believe I'll be able to at this time. The conservative agenda since 2000 has left me a little short of cash, especially thousand dollar bills. Please go ahead and fight the good fight without me, and I'll eagerly anticipate the prosperity and security and, yes, the sheer excitement that will smother us all when you're in office next year. Maybe next time. Your BFF, jailbee.

Speedo's letter was a real pick-me-up on a day when I was all depressed, remembering about 9/11 and all. It's reassuring to know the Repub candidate for president thinks enough of me to send me TWO letters. He probably thinks I'll mail him two checks for 1,000 dollars each, since he's obviously mistaken me for one of those ignorant motherfrakkin' Texas Republicans you always hear about.