Band of Butters

Duck and Cover

2009-11-10T17:38:00.007-06:00

High unemployment and economic insecurity are combining to keep a lot of people nervous and edgy, even grumpy from time to time. So the general mood in the country is fairly negative. But then, making matters worse, we have to deal with the 30-percenters. Those are the people who thought W did a great job every day of his eight years in office, and defended every one of his fuckups. All of a sudden there's a semi-liberal N in W's old office, and the same 30 percent who could rationalize and justify everything W did are going crazy. Even if the economic picture was fairly rosy, these dipshits would be in a frenzy.

It would be tough enough if all we had to do was cope with the economy and the usual array of international complications. I mean, that would be a plateful of hard right there. But on top of everything else, we have to put up with this relentless stream of misguided horseshit from the lunatics who turn to Limbaugh, Palin, Beck and Fox News for leadership. These freaks are beginning to fantasize about themselves as freedom fighters, and I have a feeling that something bad is eventually going to happen.

All this makes me recall the old civil defense films teaching school kids to duck and cover. Get under your desk, curl up in the fetal position, and try to ride out the initial blast and the shock waves. Not a bad plan for the next few years, either. The new Stephen King book came out today. It's called Under The Dome, is 1072 pages long and weighs nearly four pounds. King's books are nearly the only ones I buy new --- a longstanding personal tradition that has survived years of change. Maybe I'll curl up with this monster, and by the time I've finished reading it, things will have calmed down a little bit.

Cooper and Clarkson

2009-11-08T08:32:00.003-06:00

Sometimes we'll watch a movie for no reason other than that we really like the actors in the lead roles, which is how my wife and I ended up seeing Married Life on TV last night. Chris Cooper and Patricia Clarkson play a married couple, middle-aged and upper middle class, in the late 1940s. Cooper and Clarkson are character actors who are strong enough to carry a movie, and they do it again in this one. Married Life is not quite a heavy drama, a comedy, or a suspense thriller, but has traces of each of those genres. The plot revolves around the issue of marital infidelity, and how people who've been married a long time may not know each other as well as they think they do. A quiet film constructed to interest older, mature audiences like the bees, and recommended.

Teabagzzzzzzzz...

2009-11-05T23:34:00.002-06:00

There are apparently a lot of Republicans with free time on their hands, because several thousand showed up for the teabag event in Washington D.C. today. You know how Republicans are --- any time more than a dozen conservatives get together in one place for an hour or so, they consider themselves a movement which will change the course of history. At the risk of repeating myself, the biggest problem facing America today is that Republicans are convincing themselves the road back to power requires getting crazier by the minute. Sooner or later, they'll be the majority party again and the results will not be pretty.

Meanwhile, an army officer with an Arabic-sounding name went on a shooting spree at Fort Hood today. Anyone making side bets on how long it'll take the teabagger dog-and-pony show to connect him with Obama ?

Certitude, Part III

2009-11-03T10:59:00.006-06:00

There are things in this world that I can't prove scientifically but know in my heart are true. For example, I'm certain that people who are afraid of the world and bitter about their lives are most likely to be both conservative and Republican. I can't prove it, but I'm sure I'm right.

I've recently become certain about something else I can't prove: It's better for your knees to walk wearing running shoes than to run wearing walking shoes.

Last May, I developed an enthusiasm for a routine known as high intensity interval training, which I wrote about at Hot Water Sandwich. It involved alternating short intervals of running with longer cool-down walking intervals. After a few weeks, I began to have pain in my left knee, which wasn't too troublesome as long as I was standing or walking, but was a real problem when I stood up after sitting for longer than ten minutes. The pain when I straightened my left leg and put weight on the knee was enough to make me wince. After a minute or so, the ache would subside. At any rate, as the weather grew warmer, the combination of summer heat and a sore knee led me to give up the running part of my routine.

Last week we got the first noticeable cool weather of autumn, and I realized I'd probably want to start running a little, particularly on chilly days. I decided to invest in my very first pair of running shoes, thinking that might prevent the hurt in my knee (which had diminished significantly after I stopped running this summer). I went to Academy and bought the least expensive running shoes on their shelves.

The first time I laced 'em up and started walking around, it was like bouncing on tiny trampolines. There was literally a spring in my step that I couldn't recall previously experiencing. Hmmm, I thought, maybe I shoulda tried this a long time ago.

In my neighborhood, the city recently opened a pair of trails through the wooded areas, and I enjoy the shade so much that I reconfigured my walking routes to include them. Since I couldn't measure the new routes with my car odometer, I began a series of measurements using stopwatches and pedometers, then calculating the distance based on averages and known quantities.

One of my most commonly-walked routes is 3.10 miles and requires an average of 6138 steps to complete. The first time I walked the route in the new shoes, it only took 5914 steps. WTF ? --- I knew for a fact the trail hadn't gotten shorter. Over the next few days, I started comparing the steps recorded on my pedometers to the averages I had calculated for each route when determining their distances, and in every instance, I was covering the same ground with fewer steps. I pulled out the calculator again and established that my stride had lengthened by roughly 0.6 inches, and the only thing that had changed was the shoes I was wearing. It'll take me more mileage to reach 10,000 steps, but that's a minor drawback to gain a knee that feels like it's only 35 years old again.

The USA, today...

2009-10-30T19:58:00.000-05:00

According to USA Today, gasoline prices are soaring even though supplies are abundant. Stock prices fell after rising for several days. In Tennessee, the Titans are 0-6 and Bud Adams wants Vince Young to start at quarterback for the remainder of the season. Just another Friday in America. USA Today prints a lot of bad news, but they have a hell of a good crossword puzzle.

An idea whose time has come

2009-10-29T15:34:00.000-05:00

I'm fairly sure this video is intended to be satirical, but I've known people who look, talk, and think like the ones discussing the commercial possibilities of restoring conservatism to Christianity. In other words, this would be funnier if it weren't so true to life.

Sullivan says...

2009-10-28T12:37:00.000-05:00

Andrew Sullivan, another of those rare conservatives who often writes something worth reading, offers this thought in The Atlantic about the latest gambits in the health reform struggles. I'd like to believe he has this one figured out correctly.

Another of Obama's flaws

2009-10-27T22:53:00.003-05:00

At Media Matters, the stain in America's underwear is quoted (from a conversation with Glenn Beck) as saying Obama has to make everything about himself. Imagine that: A big fat turd with an ego the size of Montana criticizing Obama's narcissism. Someone with a sense of modesty might be able to make that point and get away with it, but coming from a self-important asshole like Limbaugh, it's laughable. Or disgusting. Does that repulsive fuck ever listen to himself ?

Calories

2009-10-24T11:54:00.001-05:00

Steve Chapman is a Chicago columnist whose politics I can't pin down. Sometimes he writes like a semi-liberal, others like a moderate conservative. This column is one of the moderately conservative efforts, and I disagree with the point I think he's making. Just because most people ignore it doesn't mean that requiring commercial dining establishments (fast food joints) to post the calorie content of the stuff they're selling is a bad idea. I admit to a personal bias on this subject because I'm obsessed with calorie-counting, and sometimes circumstances require me to buy a meal in a franchise eatery like Red Lobster or Jason's Deli. Even if I wind up consuming more calories than I'd prefer, knowing how many helps me compensate the next time I eat.

We got a gift card to Red Lobster from some relative, and decided to use it rather than regift it. I went online, found their website, and used the nutrition information section to check the calorie content of my favorite menu choices. I was able to decide what to order to meet my calorie goal in advance, and enjoyed the meal more as a result.

So excuse me, Steve, if I don't share your negative libertarian views on the issue.

Improving America

2009-10-21T22:41:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I spend part of the afternoon doing what I call store-walking, trying to accumulate another 2500 or so bonus steps on my pedometer and come up with ideas to write about. Today, I logged 1.66 miles just walking around Half Price Books and Walmart, and arrived at a recommendation that would definitely improve life in this country:

Ladies, if the circumference of either of your upper thighs exceeds thirty inches at any point, you may want to consider donating all your Daisy Dukes to Goodwill or another charity. Whatever you do, avoid wearing your short shorts in public places.

Added 3:54 pm, Thursday, 22 October:

OMG, there's a whole website devoted to the scenic beauty of Walmart aisles and the creatures who call them home. Thanks to my sister in Austin for bringing this to my attention.

--- with a ten-foot poll

2009-10-20T23:06:00.001-05:00

The commie-socialist Washington Post reports the findings of a poll that indicates conservatives who dance and laugh every time Obama's approval slips a point or two may be in for a surprise if they conclude that people are falling out of love with Obama and falling in love with them instead. Can you imagine their reaction if Democrats continue to be the majority party controlling Washington D.C. for another 6-8 years ? Would mass suicide be a possibility ?

At any rate, I can relate to the poll results. I'm definitely disappointed by Obama and fed up with Democrats in general, but I damned sure haven't turned into a Republican.

Geezers

2009-10-17T16:45:00.004-05:00

Whenever I read a typical comment by some right-winger on a newspaper's website, I always picture an old geezer whose children bought him a computer at Walmart, and whose grandchildren taught him how to use it. And then I think, "Damn, I wish those kids had bought him new cowboy boots instead."

Wrong question

2009-10-15T12:07:00.005-05:00

The topic at this Dallas Morning News editorial blog: What would the United States lose if Texas seceded from the union ? That's the wrong question. The better one would be, what would happen to Texas if it seceded, no longer had the remainder of the U.S. to prop it up, and was left to its own devices ? Remember, most sane Texans would be heading for the northern border as fast as their SUVs would carry them. In a few months, the only thing that wouldn't be in short supply would be egomania.

Kathleen Parker on what the GOP needs

2009-10-14T09:34:00.002-05:00

Lord help us if Republicans ever wise up. I'll admit the idea of a diverse, politically moderate GOP has some appealing aspects, but I truly believe the vast majority of people currently claiming to be Republicans are too far over the edge to ever come back. It'll probably be best to just let them die off, and try to keep them away from the levers of power as much as possible in the meantime.

Oh no, not again...

2009-10-09T16:24:00.004-05:00

It must be hard to be a right-winger these days, since they're surrounded by commie socialist conspiracies everywhere they turn.

And what kind of a team will the Rams be if the stain in America's underwear succeeds in gaining partial ownership ? Imagine a professional football team with no black dudes. Can you say 2-14 ?

Added 6:33 pm: Just for the sake of argument -- I'm trying to imagine how the conservatards would've reacted if, through some huge clerical error, W. had been awarded a Nobel Prize for anything.

They need to eat less anyway.

2009-10-07T08:48:00.003-05:00

The backlog in processing food stamp applications has once again attracted the attention of the Austin American Statesman, where I came across this editorial. The topic holds my interest since it's one of the few news stories that I can relate to based on first-hand experience, and because it involves one of my pet peeves, the obsession of conservatives with privatization of public service programs.

Unfortunately, if the people making policy decisions in Texas gave a shit what the AAS editorial board thought, the problem probably wouldn't exist to begin with.

Heads up

2009-10-04T09:10:00.005-05:00

Thanks to this nifty blog, I'll be able to watch for the latest viral internet chain letter circulated by the lunatic fringe. As Falkenberg points out, the really troubling thing is that the crazies actually believe chain letters can be used to persuade the gullible, and they're right.

I'm trying to decide if conservatives are a bigger problem when they're running things or when they're not.

Damned liberals

2009-09-25T09:33:00.004-05:00

This lady sums up my problems with left-wingers better than I can sum them up myself. Liberals (and by extension, Democrats) are only tolerable as an alternative to conservatives (and by extension, Republicans). If liberals ever learn to organize and unify as effectively as conservatives can (and do), they might be politically formidable.

Obama gives FNC the EMF ?

2009-09-22T09:53:00.005-05:00

Conservatives will always find something to whine about. This time, the DMN editorial board is pissing and moaning because Obama didn't go on Fox News talk shows Sunday. In my opinion, that may have been the smartest move he's made in weeks. I doubt if there are 800 people in the country who watch FNC and also hope Obama's administration will succeed in achieving its goals, so fuck 'em.

Skid marks in Skidmore ?

2009-09-18T22:58:00.005-05:00

Thank God for Wonkette.com, which is where I stumbled upon this gem. The historical society in Skidmore, Texas operates this museum, see, and they accept no government funding of any kind because they're Texans, see, which means they're unique in all the universe, especially when it comes to rugged independence. This museum has one drawback, though. It's only open from 3:00-5:00 pm on Sundays. Damn, can you imagine the lines you'd have to stand in to gain entry to that tourist attraction ? But the right-wing blog redstate.com thinks the Skidmore museum should set the example for the rest of the nation. Reason number 54,886 why I am not now, never have been, and never will be a rightwinger.

Dowd pins it down

2009-09-16T12:07:00.007-05:00

Mo Dowd's column in the NYT is pretty good.

When Obama was elected with a comfortable popular vote and EC majority, it would've been nice to believe that America had changed in some radical way. In reality, about 46 percent of the voters weren't having any of it, and by constantly behaving like shitasses for eight months, the Limbaugh/Fox News crowd have some of the marginal Obama supporters starting to doubt themselves over their vote last year. I have enough family ties to anti-Obama conservatives that I had no illusions about what he'd be up against.

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy...

2009-09-15T08:52:00.002-05:00

Every time I think I might begin to like Rudy Giuliani, he pulls stuff like this.

Chain letter lunacy

2009-09-11T13:35:00.008-05:00

This morning I was checking my wife's e-mail for her, and her inbox contained one of those viral internet chain letters. This one was about illegal immigration, and compared the harsh treatment of illegal immigrants in North Korea and Iran to the way we coddle them in the USA. When she asked if she had any new mail, I told her some lunatic sent her a political chain letter. She started to protest my characterization of the forwarder as a lunatic, but I was right the first time ---

When people forward right-wing chain letters to you, they (A) assume you're also a rightwinger who will enjoy the message as much as they do, or (B) know you're NOT a rightwinger and are trying to annoy you, or (C) don't know your political beliefs but think you can be persuaded by a viral internet chain letter.

Regardless of which alternative above applies, the person who forwards the crap is either (A) a conservative lunatic, or (B) a malevolent lunatic, or (C) a socially maladroit lunatic who needs to be schooled in the art of civilized living.

This particular chain letter says that instead of punishing illegal immigrants (like Iran does), we reward them with a driver's license, a Social Security number, welfare, food stamps, and free health care. It happens that I worked in the public welfare bureaucracy until the end of 1998, so I know that illegal immigrants did NOT qualify for welfare, food stamps, and Medicaid at that time. If they do now, it's because a Republican president and Republican majorities in Congress changed the laws after I retired. More likely, the allegations in the chain letter are total fucking bullshit, and the person who sent it to my wife is a fucking lunatic.

Ricardo weighs in. Again.

2009-09-10T11:33:00.005-05:00

There's been speculation that if Ricardo Perry is ever forced to leave the office of governor, he'll go after the presidency of Texas A&M. This article from the AAS website seems to indicate there may something to the rumors. Seems like he's definitely testing the waters and trying to get the attention of the Ole Army types.

As for the bonfire tradition, I moved on years ago. Maybe Ricardo needs to let it go, too.

The diabolical plot against America

2009-09-09T15:33:00.004-05:00

This is a summary of what real Americans are up against these days. Two minutes and 49 seconds of educational video, designed to help us understand the enemy.